What a day!

This morning I ventured out for my weekly grocery shopping trip.  Today, I was headed to Walmart.  As we got ready, and left the house, things had thus far gone quite smoothly, so I had high hopes that the trip would be uneventful.  I was quickly proven wrong.

During the car ride, Lexi had messed her diaper, so I slowly meandered to the back of the store where the family restrooms were.  I'd picked up a few items on the way, and was about half way finished with gathering all the needed groceries.  I took both the girls into the family restroom so everyone could take care of business, however, Abby wanted to use the big girl bathroom (it has a little sink that is just her height, and is the highlight of every Walmart trip).  I was in a hurry, and asked her to just use this bathroom.  This is when the crying and screaming started.  I finished cleaning up Lexi, and gathered my things and left the bathroom.  I hoped that Abby would settle down after a few minutes, and stop the crying.  I wasn't prepared, however, for her screaming "I have to go potty!!!" over and over and over.  Now, imagine, if you saw a kid yelling that they needed to go potty, and their mother was ignoring the request, what would you think?  Honestly, I'd probably pass a little judgement, and wonder why that mother WASN'T taking their kid to the bathroom.  After several minutes of this, and no real sign that the fit was going to die down, my patience was wearing quite thin, and I was becoming more than a little embarrassed.  I can't even remember what happened, but something happened that elevated Abby's crying fit, to a full on tantrum.  I knew at this point, I was going to have to leave the store.  I picked up Lexi, abandoned my groceries, and dragged Abby out of the store SCREAMING.  I kept my eyes forward, and avoided looking at ANYONE.  I was completely mortified, and knew we were making quite a scene.

Once I was out to the car, we got in, and I seriously comtemplated just leaving, and doing my grocery shopping another day.  Then I remembered that I had been asked to take a meal to a family in our ward tonight, and didn't have the needed ingredients to make a meal.  I was going to have to go back inside Walmart, and get at least a few items.  I waited till Abby had calmed down, and gave her a stern talking to about what is acceptable behavior in the store, and headed back into the store.  Fortutely, I was able to locate our cart of groceries, and had high hopes that I would be able to quickly finish, and get out the store for good.

It was at this moment, that Lexi decided to mess her diaper AGAIN.  What made this even better, was that I had only grabbed one diaper to bring with me to the store, which I'd already used.  I desperatly wanted to just finish shopping and wait to change Lexi till I got home.  But I knew that I would get even more stares from the other shoppers, if I was ignoring the fact that my 1 year old stunk to high heaven.  So, we, once again, headed back to the bathroom to try to see if I could figure out some way to salvage this diaper.  I managed to get Lexi cleaned up as best as I could, and left to hopefully finally finish shopping.

This time, I was actually able to get the last needed items, and head out of the store.  As I got in the car to head home, I finally broke down.  The tears came.  I just kept wondering what people were thinking if they had witnessed our little episode.  Here I am, obviously pregnant, with a little 1 year old (which in and of itself gets stares from strangers, wondering WHY in the world I would be having another baby already), and dragging a screaming girl all around the store.  I'm sure at least one person was thinking "that lady should NOT be bringing any more children into this world.  She can't even handle the ones she's got."  And truthfully, at that moment, I would have to completely agree with them.

These last couple of weeks, Abby has really been testing our limits.  She's started giving me a lot of attitude, and I feel like every little thing is a battle.  As I sat in the car, crying, I truly felt like I was failing my job as a mother.  I was dissappointing my Heavenly Father, and not raising the sweet little baby that he had given me in a respectable way. 

Why does our jobs as mothers have to be so difficult?  It's so hard to see Abby be the sweetest, cutest little girl that makes me laugh, and fills me with such pride, turn into a snotty, tantrum throwing 3 year old.  I feel like I am trying SO hard to do everything right, and am getting no where.  I spend hours thinking about what it is I could possibly be doing wrong.  I feel this huge weight on my shoulders all the time.  I keep thinking of that article that Becky posted where it said that some parents are "selected by some divine process to be worthy of very difficult parenting challenges".  And I just want to scream, "I am NOT worthy". 

I actually doubt that my "parenting challenges" would be considered "very difficult" to some moms.  We are just a typical family, raising a typical 3 and 1 year old.  I'm sure most moms have gone through a very similar experience, and suffered very similar emotions.   

I think I'll just be walking away from this experience with more confirmation that our jobs are hard, and we are not alone.